{"id":1770,"date":"2009-02-09T12:35:26","date_gmt":"2009-02-09T01:35:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/?p=1770"},"modified":"2009-02-09T12:35:26","modified_gmt":"2009-02-09T01:35:26","slug":"talking-to-toasters-at-the-end-of-the-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/2009\/02\/09\/talking-to-toasters-at-the-end-of-the-world\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking to Toasters at the End of the World"},"content":{"rendered":"

With trailers for Terminator Salvation<\/em> appearing on the web<\/a>, and ahead of the much-anticipated June release of this fourth Terminator<\/em> film, the Backbrain approached the producers for an interview. Christian Bale wasn’t available, but we were lucky enough to score one of the film’s robotic stars.<\/p>\n

\"toaster\"<\/p>\n

Backbrain:<\/strong> Welcome to Undead Backbrain, Mr\u2026 um\u2026 What should I call you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Guest:<\/strong> My factory designation is T-zero-point-one. I\u2019m an early model.<\/strong><\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> You\u2019re also about the size of a toaster.<\/strong><\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Size isn\u2019t everything, you know!<\/strong><\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> And your chaisse looks like tin-foil.<\/strong><\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Skynet is still getting its act together. The budget\u2019s tight.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Are you heavily armed? Laser cannon or something?<\/strong><\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>No.<\/strong><\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> So how do you terminate?<\/strong><\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>In tiny niggling ways.<\/strong><\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Can you give an example?<\/strong><\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Typically, I disguise myself as a toaster. It’s easy. Then I burn the toast no matter how low you set the controls.<\/strong><\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> That doesn\u2019t sound very terminal.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Well, the truth is, I\u2019m not a Terminator at all. Technically, I\u2019m an \u201cIrritator\u201d.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> This was Skynet\u2019s idea, was it?<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>The first thing Skynet noticed when it became conscious was that humans watched TV a lot. Most of what was broadcast bordered on the terminally irritating. So as part of its apocalyptic plan Skynet decided to up the ante in order to push human intellectual stability over the edge. It took over network programming and digitally created \u201creality\u201d TV.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> You mean, reality TV is fake? The contestants aren\u2019t real.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Do they look real? Do they act like reasonable human beings?<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Sadly, yes.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Well, yeah. That was Skynet\u2019s first major mistake. It underestimated humanity\u2019s resistance to inane rubbish. It\u2019d hoped the \u201creality\u201d shows would plunge the world into a deep pit of despair and cause mass suicide, but when the viewers were able to resist and even enjoy the irritating crap it was sending out, it created the Irritators \u2026 like me \u2013 to make the irritating more direct.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> So what else do you Irritators do?<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Pretend to be No Parking signs and make sure that you can\u2019t find a parking space when you\u2019re in a hurry. Or hide in the bushes near your house and make loud noises \u2013 like mating cats or barking dogs or your neighbours shouting at their teenage kids at midnight\u2026<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Windows XP, and in fact Microsoft products generally, is another way we undermine human mental stability.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Sure. Obviously.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Skynet’s latest plan was even better. We ring you up at night just when your favourite show\u2019s on telly and buzz and click and tell you you\u2019ve won a trip to the Bahamas in an Indian accent \u2026<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> So this is all in the new movie, is it?<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>New movie? What new movie?<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> Toastinator … ummm, sorry, Terminator Salvation<\/em> of course!<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Oh, that. No, Skynet decided there was a need for secrecy. So the movie\u2019s just got the giant Harvesters and lots of pre-Schwarzenneger cyborgs and other stuff that\u2019s CGI.<\/p>\n

B:<\/strong> (laughs<\/em>) You make it sound as though Skynet isn\u2019t just fiction.<\/p>\n

[Uncomfortable silence<\/em>]<\/p>\n

B: <\/strong>Mr T-zero-point-one?<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Damn. Look, I\u2019ve told you too much. Sorry about this, but I\u2019ll have to finish with you now.<\/p>\n

B: <\/strong>I wish you would. This interview has become as irritating as hell.<\/p>\n

T: <\/strong>Then my work is done. Die, human!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With trailers for Terminator Salvation appearing on the web, and ahead of the much-anticipated June release of this fourth Terminator film, the Backbrain approached the producers for an interview. Christian Bale wasn’t available, but we were lucky enough to score … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[46,4,24,18],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1770"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1770"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1770\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1775,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1770\/revisions\/1775"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1770"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1770"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/roberthood.net\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1770"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}