Meet Robert live

Check out
Robert Hood's
Shades series

Buy Immaterial:
Ghost Stories by Robert Hood at Australian Online Bookshop





On the eve of the epic struggle between the giant ape Kong and Godzilla for the title of "King", we obtained the following interview with the combatants:

If you've just tuned in to Radio Kaiju, we're about to witness the fight of the century -- a spectacular grudge match between 'King' Kong -- from Skull Island via New York -- and 'The King of the Monsters', Godzilla himself, from Odo Island via Tokyo, to finally settle the issue of which of the pair is to hold the "King" title in perpetuity. This is a much-anticipated bout, for this pair have never met before -- despite an earlier admittedly spectacular contest in which promoters bogusly substituted a creature calling himself "Kong" in a skirmish that was advertised as "King Kong versus Godzilla", but which failed to deliver a decisive result. In that event, Kong was an imposter -- or so many have claimed.

This reporter has been able to determine that at that time the real Kong was still in retirement, holidaying at one of the more luxurious resorts that sprang up on Skull Island after his highly successful Broadway season. In an exclusive interview last week, the great Kong talked to Radio Kaiju about that and many other matters.

Kong: "My career was meteoric, sure, but the inevitable fall came quickly. Still, it was fun while it lasted, and I'm happy I haven't been forgotten. I've been getting lots of fan mail over the years. They love me!"

RK: "You didn't consider returning to the scene before this?"

Kong: "Well, they brought me back in 1976, as you might recall -- I was a little low on bananas then and had pretty much gotten over the drubbing I'd received in New York..."

RK: "You looked very different in that film. Surely it wasn't you?"

Kong: "No, it was me, but they made me wear one of those then-fashionable monkey suits -- and substituted a mecha-stand-in for far too many close shots. It didn't work. I told them it wouldn't, but my agent sold me out, curse him! And what was all that sentimental crap they cut into the picture? I tell you, I was ready to bite someone's head off over that!"

RK: "What was it like working with Jessica Lang?"

Kong: "She was OK. I mean, check those legs! And of course censorship requirements had changed by the 70s and they let me rip more of her gear off than we could get away with in the 30s ... oh, yeah. That was fine! But really, Fay Wray was the tops, an utter babe! What a pair of lungs! We hung out for a bit at the time of the shoot, but Willis [O'Brien] was freaked out about it and kept a tight lid on things. Spoil sport! Fay and I lost touch while she was shooting "The Most Dangerous Game" -- I was a little peeved they didn't cast me in that one! They used my Skull Island jungle for location shoots!"

RK: "You weren't in "Son of Kong" either."

Kong: "Well, actually that's not quite true. They couldn't find anyone able to do the stunts, so I doubled for the ape that played my son."

RK: "Really? But he wasn't anything like you."

Kong: "We're both apes! And I can act -- unlike that turkey that played me in "King Kong Lives"."

RK: "You weren't asked to be in that film?"

Kong: "Of course I was asked! But I read the script first. No way! And the leading lady was ... well, a bit of a gorilla really!"

RK: "Would you like to comment on the rumour that your long absence from the big screen was a result of a drug problem?"

Kong: "That old chestnut! I'm feed up with that. Look, they used the la-la berries in that film with Godzilla, but I had nothing to do with it myself! It was pure fabrication! I reckon Godzilla's behind the rumours, as a matter of fact. And all the stories that have been circulating since are utter crap! I didn't punch out The Beast, and Gorgo and I were just buddies. That's all! For the last time, I'm not a drug addict and never have been!... [PAUSE] Okay, once I sucked on a few berries, but I didn't swallow!"

RK: "Was it you fighting the Big G in that match back in the 60s?"

Kong: "Of course not. They didn't even bring me in as an advisor! For grunt's sake, you can see it wasn't me. He was some bum they dragged in off the street with false promises of a successful career in show business. That guy had a BIG drug problem, for sure. Did you notice the way his eyes rolled around? And he had a bad case of mange!"

RK: "He was bigger than you, too."

Kong: "Only in height. Where it counts, I'm much much bigger than that piece of monkey doo."

RK: "So what do you think your chances are against the Big G?"

Kong: "Ha! That cold-blooded reptilian overachiever! I'll make iguana meat out of him."

RK: "The odds are in his favour."

Kong: "That's just because he's been in the public eye for so long. The guy's a media whore! But he's way past it. Sure, he's kept in training over the years, and I've pretty well spent most of my time lyin' around and eating bananas (along with the occasional starlet), but the so-called King of the Monsters just doesn't have the get-up-and-go that I've got. I'm a mammal, for grunt's sake! I got warm blood."

RK: "He does have that nuclear breath of his."

Kong: "So what? I know how to duck and weave. [He chuckles.] "I've also got opposable thumbs. I'll be packin' some serious heat, let me tell you!"

RK: "Weapons?"

Kong: "Just wait and see, baby. Wait and see!"

RK: "We're all very excited by the prospect. Thanks for talking to us."

Kong: "No probs. [PAUSE] Uh, when do I get paid?"

Earlier this evening, Radio Kaiju recorded this conversation with the Big G himself...

RK: "Welcome to the studio, Mr Godzilla."

G: "It's a pleasure, Trent. Sorry about Reception -- and Floors 1 through 6."

RK: "Don't worry about it. Monster damage is covered by insurance. I wanted to ask you about your upcoming struggle with Kong?"

G: "Struggle? I'd hardly call it that! More a stroll in the park. The guy's a wimp. Barely comes up to my waist!"

RK: "He says he's got some pretty good moves though. All that warm-bloodedness."

G: "That's simians for you. Give 'em a bit of body heat and they think they can conquer the universe. Well, has the so-called 'King' Kong checked out my glowing spines, eh? Nuclear reactor for a heart? Radiation at call? Who's he kidding?"

RK: "What if he packs weapons?"

G: "What's he gonna bring? Banana pistols? Coconut bombs? This is a guy who thinks beating his chest is a good way of attracting chicks!!"

RK: "He could hire some rocket launchers?"

G: "Who cares? I went up against MechaGodzilla end of last year. State-of-the-art gung-ho technology, that contraption! Did it phase me? No!

RK: "As an ape, Kong does have a bigger brain than you. Reptiles are notoriously slow."

G: "Hey, I didn't come here to be insulted!" [EXPLOSIVE BURNING SOUND]

RK: [AGONISED] "Sorry! I didn't mean anything by it."

G: "Well, just watch it, mate! [PAUSE] Sorry about the studio wall ... and the transmission towers ... and your secretary --

RK: "Never mind. But we're OK now ... right?"

G: "OK."

RK: "You have to admit that Kong has done a gig in New York, which is a tough town to work in. You haven't, have you? Despite that film that came out in 1998."

G: "Don't talk to me about that pile of dinosaur droppings! I hated it. Made me look like a wimp! What was with that jaw-line! Still, I get on quite well with the guy who played the title role. Rang me to apologise. Said it wasn't his fault. It was a contractual thing. The original ending had him eating the director and the producer, and heading off on a vacation downunder in Australia -- but they changed it at the last minute. Bloke tried to eat the director anyway, and that's why they killed him off!"

RK: "I think you're avoiding my question. What about New York? You've never taken it on, have you?..."

G: I was there in the '60s -- with the 'Destroy All Monsters' gig. I destroyed the UN building!

RK: Come on, now! That was a model built on a soundstage back in Japan!

G: "So what? What are you insinuating anyway?"

RK: "Nothing.... Just that ... well, you can't really cut it bigtime in the US, can you?"

G: That's it! I'm outa here. You'll be hearing from my lawyers." [BIG ROAR. CRASHING SOUNDS]

RK: [MUFFLED BY RUBBLE] Uh ... thank you ... Godzie!

G: [FROM THE DISTANCE] And don't call me Godzie! [MASSIVE EXPLOSION]

As you can see this fight is boiling over with antagonism and resentment -- both sides out to settle old scores and fulfil hitherto unfulfilled career opportunities. Radio Kaiju will be covering the entire fight for you ... via our temporary transmitter in the shed out the back of the local donut takeaway.

Stay tuned!

Written by Robert Hood in September 2003
in response to a discusssion about who was the real King of the monsters
on the MessageFromCyberspace discussion forum


home - the latest - new projects - faq - bio - biblio - scribblings - obsessions - links

Contact Robert Hood: