VS GODZILLA: WHO IS THE KING?
the eve of the epic struggle between the giant ape Kong
and Godzilla for the title of "King", we obtained
the following interview with the combatants:
you've just tuned in to Radio Kaiju, we're about to
witness the fight of the century -- a spectacular grudge
match between 'King' Kong -- from Skull Island via New
York -- and 'The King of the Monsters', Godzilla himself,
from Odo Island via Tokyo, to finally settle the issue
of which of the pair is to hold the "King"
title in perpetuity. This is a much-anticipated bout,
for this pair have never met before -- despite an earlier
admittedly spectacular contest in which promoters bogusly
substituted a creature calling himself "Kong"
in a skirmish that was advertised as "King Kong
versus Godzilla", but which failed to deliver a
decisive result. In that event, Kong was an imposter
-- or so many have claimed.
reporter has been able to determine that at that time
the real Kong was still in retirement, holidaying at
one of the more luxurious resorts that sprang up on
Skull Island after his highly successful Broadway season.
In an exclusive interview last week, the great Kong
talked to Radio Kaiju about that and many other matters.
"My career was meteoric, sure, but the inevitable
fall came quickly. Still, it was fun while it lasted,
and I'm happy I haven't been forgotten. I've been getting
lots of fan mail over the years. They love me!"
"You didn't consider returning to the scene before
"Well, they brought me back in 1976, as you might
recall -- I was a little low on bananas then and had
pretty much gotten over the drubbing I'd received in
"You looked very different in that film. Surely
it wasn't you?"
"No, it was me, but they made me wear one of those
then-fashionable monkey suits -- and substituted a mecha-stand-in
for far too many close shots. It didn't work. I told
them it wouldn't, but my agent sold me out, curse him!
And what was all that sentimental crap they cut into
the picture? I tell you, I was ready to bite someone's
head off over that!"
"What was it like working with Jessica Lang?"
"She was OK. I mean, check those legs! And of course
censorship requirements had changed by the 70s and they
let me rip more of her gear off than we could get away
with in the 30s ... oh, yeah. That was fine! But really,
Fay Wray was the tops, an utter babe! What a pair of
lungs! We hung out for a bit at the time of the shoot,
but Willis [O'Brien] was freaked out about it and kept
a tight lid on things. Spoil sport! Fay and I lost touch
while she was shooting "The Most Dangerous Game"
-- I was a little peeved they didn't cast me in that
one! They used my Skull Island jungle for location shoots!"
"You weren't in "Son of Kong" either."
"Well, actually that's not quite true. They couldn't
find anyone able to do the stunts, so I doubled for
the ape that played my son."
"Really? But he wasn't anything like you."
"We're both apes! And I can act -- unlike that
turkey that played me in "King Kong Lives"."
"You weren't asked to be in that film?"
"Of course I was asked! But I read the script first.
No way! And the leading lady was ... well, a bit of
a gorilla really!"
"Would you like to comment on the rumour that your
long absence from the big screen was a result of a drug
"That old chestnut! I'm feed up with that. Look,
they used the la-la berries in that film with Godzilla,
but I had nothing to do with it myself! It was pure
fabrication! I reckon Godzilla's behind the rumours,
as a matter of fact. And all the stories that have been
circulating since are utter crap! I didn't punch out
The Beast, and Gorgo and I were just buddies. That's
all! For the last time, I'm not a drug addict and never
have been!... [PAUSE] Okay, once I sucked on a few berries,
but I didn't swallow!"
"Was it you fighting the Big G in that match back
in the 60s?"
"Of course not. They didn't even bring me in as
an advisor! For grunt's sake, you can see it wasn't
me. He was some bum they dragged in off the street with
false promises of a successful career in show business.
That guy had a BIG drug problem, for sure. Did you notice
the way his eyes rolled around? And he had a bad case
"He was bigger than you, too."
"Only in height. Where it counts, I'm much much
bigger than that piece of monkey doo."
"So what do you think your chances are against
the Big G?"
"Ha! That cold-blooded reptilian overachiever!
I'll make iguana meat out of him."
"The odds are in his favour."
"That's just because he's been in the public eye
for so long. The guy's a media whore! But he's way past
it. Sure, he's kept in training over the years, and
I've pretty well spent most of my time lyin' around
and eating bananas (along with the occasional starlet),
but the so-called King of the Monsters just doesn't
have the get-up-and-go that I've got. I'm a mammal,
for grunt's sake! I got warm blood."
"He does have that nuclear breath of his."
"So what? I know how to duck and weave. [He chuckles.]
"I've also got opposable thumbs. I'll be packin'
some serious heat, let me tell you!"
"Just wait and see, baby. Wait and see!"
"We're all very excited by the prospect. Thanks
for talking to us."
"No probs. [PAUSE] Uh, when do I get paid?"
this evening, Radio Kaiju recorded this conversation
with the Big G himself...
"Welcome to the studio, Mr Godzilla."
"It's a pleasure, Trent. Sorry about Reception
-- and Floors 1 through 6."
"Don't worry about it. Monster damage is covered
by insurance. I wanted to ask you about your upcoming
struggle with Kong?"
"Struggle? I'd hardly call it that! More a stroll
in the park. The guy's a wimp. Barely comes up to my
"He says he's got some pretty good moves though.
All that warm-bloodedness."
"That's simians for you. Give 'em a bit of body
heat and they think they can conquer the universe. Well,
has the so-called 'King' Kong checked out my glowing
spines, eh? Nuclear reactor for a heart? Radiation at
call? Who's he kidding?"
"What if he packs weapons?"
"What's he gonna bring? Banana pistols? Coconut
bombs? This is a guy who thinks beating his chest is
a good way of attracting chicks!!"
"He could hire some rocket launchers?"
"Who cares? I went up against MechaGodzilla end
of last year. State-of-the-art gung-ho technology, that
contraption! Did it phase me? No!
"As an ape, Kong does have a bigger brain than
you. Reptiles are notoriously slow."
"Hey, I didn't come here to be insulted!"
[EXPLOSIVE BURNING SOUND]
[AGONISED] "Sorry! I didn't mean anything by it."
"Well, just watch it, mate! [PAUSE] Sorry about
the studio wall ... and the transmission towers ...
and your secretary --
"Never mind. But we're OK now ... right?"
"You have to admit that Kong has done a gig in
New York, which is a tough town to work in. You haven't,
have you? Despite that film that came out in 1998."
"Don't talk to me about that pile of dinosaur droppings!
I hated it. Made me look like a wimp! What was with
that jaw-line! Still, I get on quite well with the guy
who played the title role. Rang me to apologise. Said
it wasn't his fault. It was a contractual thing. The
original ending had him eating the director and the
producer, and heading off on a vacation downunder in
Australia -- but they changed it at the last minute.
Bloke tried to eat the director anyway, and that's why
they killed him off!"
"I think you're avoiding my question. What about
New York? You've never taken it on, have you?..."
I was there in the '60s -- with the 'Destroy All Monsters'
gig. I destroyed the UN building!
Come on, now! That was a model built on a soundstage
back in Japan!
"So what? What are you insinuating anyway?"
"Nothing.... Just that ... well, you can't really
cut it bigtime in the US, can you?"
That's it! I'm outa here. You'll be hearing from my
lawyers." [BIG ROAR. CRASHING SOUNDS]
[MUFFLED BY RUBBLE] Uh ... thank you ... Godzie!
[FROM THE DISTANCE] And don't call me Godzie! [MASSIVE
you can see this fight is boiling over with antagonism
and resentment -- both sides out to settle old scores
and fulfil hitherto unfulfilled career opportunities.
Radio Kaiju will be covering the entire fight for you
... via our temporary transmitter in the shed out the
back of the local donut takeaway.