B-Flick Invasion

martian-sidebarDuring a routine close encounter the other day — somewhere between an orgy of cornfield art and the usual anal probing — I got into conversation with my tall, google-eyed captor, whose long, pointy teeth should have been a serious impediment to talking but who managed it through a subsidiary mouth in his left armpit.

Seems he was quite a Bug-Eyed Monster About Town and a big celebrity from here to the IOK-1 Galaxy. He’s been on Earth making a new movie, directed by a local by the name of Solomon Mortamur and filmed in Trafalgar, Indiana. So, ever vigilant, I took the opportunity to ask him about it.

It Came From Trafalgar (US-2008; dir. Solomon Mortamur)

Undead Backbrain: So, Zegre-snooz … I can call you Zegre-snooz, can I?

Zegre-snooz: Sure. Why not? It’s pronounced Tom-Cruise, but if you find Zegre-snooz easier, go right ahead. Everyone calls me that.

UB: Well, Zegre-snooz, tell us about the film. Solomon has described it as “outrageous” and “the first black and white independent horror sci-fi epic”. Yet the website and the artwork make it look like a sort of 1950s schlock sci-fi parody. What’s your take on it?

Z: Plain and simple? “Epic” is closest. This movie encapsulates the ambitions and imperial aspirations of the Martian people…

UB: You’re actually from Mars? But Mars is a planet-wide wasteland.

Z: Not your Mars. Our Mars is in another galaxy entirely. The point is, you foolish humans will see this film as a weird piece of B-film entertainment. But it’s a Sirius drama.

UB: A serious drama? It looks like a wacked-out comedy to me.

Z: Sirius, you idiot. Canis Majoris. In the constellation Canis Major. That’s where I come from. Clean out your ears, for god’s sake.

UB: Hey, don’t poke me there. That’s not my ear.

Z: Really? I thought humans heard everything through that.

UB: Well, we don’t.

Trafalgar poster

UB: Anyway, to get back to the movie, if it’s not a sort of horror/sci-fi comedy, why is it being advertised with that comic-style artwork?

Z: Well, to be frank, that Mortamur bloke didn’t understand what was going on. We were manipulating the script in order to tell the story we wanted to tell, in order to set the stage for our Final Scene…

UB: Final Scene? What’s the Final Scene?

Z: Never mind. It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with … yet. The point is, the so-called director was merely our puppet. You need to understand that we Martians have a different way of looking at reality. What you foolishly see as humour and parodic allusions to trash cinema of the past for us provides powerful metaphors with which we can express the deepest, darkest and most evil passions of the anime mundi as we perceive it.

UB: Okay. Well, It Came From Trafalgar has a bus-load of famous actors from B-flicks, like the scream queens Brinke Stevens and Linnea Quigley…

It Came From Trafalgar 3

UB: … not to mention the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy himself — ol’ Leatherface, Gunnar Hansen…

Gunnar and girls

UB: … as well as Bill Hinzman (of Night of the Living Dead fame) as “Zombie #1” and Phantasm‘s Reggie Bannister. Among others.

Z: Ha! The pathetic publicity department doesn’t understand where the real talent lies. I and my comrades are famous across a million galaxies. The wealth of Sirius talent we represent has never before been equalled in a Terran film.

Martian group

UB: None of you look like serious talent to me.

Z: Watch it, buddy! I’m getting a little tired of your attitude. You should take us more Siriusly.

UB: Sorry. How about telling us what it’s about then?

Z: It’s about the superiority of the Zongolian Martian race!

Martians dressed up

UB: I mean the story. Can you tell us about the actual story?

Z: I could, but I’d have to disintegrate you and all your readers afterwards. That will happen in due course, but now is not the time.

UB: What do you mean “In due course”?

Z: Nothing, nothing. I can’t speak of it yet.

UB: Okay then, how about a personal question? Did you enjoy the shoot?

Z: Sure. The booze, the girls… it was great! What’s not to like?

It Came From Trafalgar 1

UB: What about the music then? There’s quite a line-up of musicians involved — Eerie Von (of Danzig and The Misfits), for example. And there’s music CDs coming out under the franchise. Is this a big part of it?

Z: Of course it is, you simian moron. The music is the key to our ambitions. Deeply embedded in the soundscape are subliminal instructions that all you pathetic terrans will be unable to resist!

UB: What?

Z: The superiority of the Martian race will be totally vindicated. You cannot resist us. Once this film achieves the status of “cult classic” and it has seeped into the subconscious minds of humans everywhere, our real intent shall become clear. You will all be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate!

UB: Isn’t that copyrighted?

Z: Copyrighted?

UB: You know, it’s a Dalek catch-phrase. You’re going to be in big trouble, mate. The Daleks don’t take kindly to… well, anyone really.

Z: Daleks? These Daleks are pretty nasty, are they?

UB: I’ll say. And they’ve been around for a long time. They’re survivors.

Z: [chucking me out the nearest airlock] Sorry. We’ve gotta get going now. We’ll talk again… after you’ve seen the film. [Nervously] There’ll be no exterminating though. Just a pleasant little apocalypse. Bye!

Necro Zongolian

So, folks, keep watching this space. You need to stay informed. As we find out more about this explosively suspicious situation, we’ll let you know.

In the meantime, you can see what information does exist at the film’s website.

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3 Responses to B-Flick Invasion

  1. Avery says:

    About this article; and I’ll quote the alien ‘Zergre-Snooz'[Tom Cruise]: “Plain and simple? “Epic” is closest.”

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