There once was a monster named Rumsmag
Who was known as an evil yet glum dag.
He would wear waist-high pants
And keep people like ants
On the muck in the back of his bumbag.
To celebrate the imminent appearance on Amazon.com of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters (edited by Robert Hood and Robin Pen and published by Agog! Press), I’ve decided to run a Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition.
Simply write the best and/or most ridiculous limerick about a giant monster that you can and post it as a comment to this Undead Backbrain blogpost.
Prize
A copy of the exclusive limited-run edition of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters will be awarded to the two best limericks. For the uninitiated, here is the cover:
and you can find out more about the anthology
here.
Rules and Conditions
Any limerick entered in the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition must conform to the rules of the limerick sub-genre, as interpreted by the Undead Backbrain.
The limerick must feature a giant monster of some kind. Decisions as to exactly how big a monster must be in order to be considered a giant monster will be left to the discretion of the Backbrain.
If a limerick is judged by the Backbrain to be too obscene, it shall be deleted at his discretion.
Multiple entries are acceptable.
The Backbrain’s decision on all matters shall be final and very little correspondence shall be entered into…. etc.
The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition shall end when the Backbrain has had enough of it.
The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition is open to anyone worldwide, of any age, nationality, religious persuasion or species — though if the best entries are by myself (unlikely, given the above example), Robin Pen or Cat Sparks, such entries won’t be awarded the prize, which will be made available to the Next Best Entry.
It would be helpful if all entries were in English. more or less.
The Backbrain reserves the right to put any of the limericks in a gallery on his website, along with the names or nom de plumes of the authors of said limericks, though of course the authors otherwise retain their own copyright and can do with their limericks whatever they want.
In case of dispute, the final Arbitrator shall be Pazuzu the Cat.
That’s it! I can’t think of any more rules. I hereby declare the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition open.
Please feel free to tell everyone you know about it.
And have fun!
The lure of King Kong is appealing,
We share an incredible feeling,
He broke down my door,
Drove my bed through the floor,
And left hair all over the ceiling.
King Kong left a great hairy mound,
When he tumbled and fell to the ground,
It took some good shootin’
To prove ala Newton
He’s aerodynamically sound.
Sure, it did take a couple of calls,
From on high, the dread Mothra he falls,
But with courage and pluck,
I unloaded the truck,
Did that moth see the size of my balls?
Bureaucracon’s the largest of all,
Covering the world in a pall
Of rules and red tape —
It’s like a cruel jape,
From which there’s no ‘scaping at all.
Yes, I have a meeting I have to go to….
When the Cyclops came callin’
I thought it appallin’.
And found a dark place to hide.
It sat on some logs and ate all my hogs.
Then of swine fever quietly died.
Salivating with blood,
The Serpent slithered through mud,
It’s prey made a dash,
But the serpent had cash,
So it went to a third world country and bought a child, which, although makes no sense and ruins what could have been a reasonable limerick, and is kind of copying Tony’s idea, still has had me laughing since first conception.
And something about Kevin Rudd.
I’ve endured all forms of radiation
To tweak the bounds of my creation
Gamma or atomic
Real life is no comic
The end result’s merely frustration
In the circus I had a great calling
Cleaning up what from elephants kept falling
Next time Godzilla walks by
You will know who am I
I’m the guy with the broom, sitting, bawling
Hi, Lee. Good to hear from you. We needed a contributor to “Daikaiju! 3: Giant Monsters Versus the World” on board (apart from me, that is), so I could mention the book!
So I just did.
I should mention that contributors to the other “Daikaiju!” anthologies are here already — such as Tony Plank. Hi, Tony! And Mark Rainey, Martin Livings, Sean…
There once was a beast named Zoth-Ommog
Who rose from the Deeps for a quick jog;
With delight his maw quivered,
His tentacles shivered
As he trampled through forest and peat-bog.
There once was a giant gorilla
Loved a girl that was pretty damn thriller
She screamed and she screamed
Till the monkey near creamed
Said the girl: “Think I’ll go with Magilla!”
Now was that too rude?!
There once was Giant Behemoth
Spoke kinda old-fashioned, it seemeth.
It ran wild on the loose
And squashed a caboose
And the rivers with bloody gore teemeth.
Ok, whad else are ya gonna rhyme with Behemoth, I ask ya?
Of my twelve story hen she took stock
As it chook-scratched a Tokyo dock
But less than impressed
Atsuko only undressed
When I showed her the size of my cock 😉
If a Kraken you should happen to see, when
You’re sailing out on the high sea, then
Go for a dip
If he takes hold of your ship
And tries to suck out all of the seamen 😮
If all of my monsters sound dirty
Despite being seven foot thirty
It’s cos I mistook monster-philic
with.. um… monster phallic
And ended up flirty with QWERTY
An enormous animate phallus
Threatened the centre of Dallas
A heroic band
Got things in hand
But the experience made them quite callous
From the undersea empire of Mu
came a dragon-god daikaiju who
would have seemed somewhat grander
if its name wasn’t Manda
that’s as scary as Rob shouting Boo!
Not just one, but often a band
it’s Legion, who’s rampaging and
destroying Sapporo
today and tomoro,
not bad for a thing made of sand!
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With those two inside,
the insatiable belly of Jiger.
Whoa! A rash of new limericks came in overnight — along with the inevitable salacious puns. I apologise to those readers of a more refined disposition — though chances are they’re not reading this anyway!
And another “Daikaiju! 3” anthology contributor. Hi, Leigh!
Homoerotic monster tales are quite silly
Especially about a giant willy
But to post them at will
Gives me such a thrill
That there’s daikaiju on the lily
George Dubbleya started to grizzle
When his dog ate a nukular missile
So big grew his pet
It was a terrierist threat
When it cocked it’s leg and pissed fissile
The argonauts long before Tokyo
Encountered bronzed statuesque Talos you know
There was no rubber suit
Just a plug in his boot
And their lip-synch I’m told was just so
Of his strength Hercules was so jealous
But a bit of a heel was this Talos
He chased them around
Stomped some crew ‘gainst the ground
In a monsterous expression of Malice
Now monsters aren’t all as invunerable as they seem
So Jason started to scheme
He soon pulled the plug
On this huge metal thug
And the two were soon letting off steam
If you think this is not daikiju
‘Cos the monster’s not from ’round Honshu
Then broaden your mind
You of monsterist kind
And say maressi to Nessie too
Nigel, are you a DaikaijuLimerick bot by any chance?
Godzilla was minding his young
When a skyscraper eclipsed the sun
Urbanly it sprawled
T’wards his nest towering tall
The buildings’ revenge had begun
A DaikaijuLimerick bot I am not
Though in your guessing you’re getting quite hot
I find it quite gay
To converse this way
So if this rot hits the spot then why not?
“Why not indeed!” said the Backbrain, desirous
That in overkill the limericks don’t mire us.
“But can I assume
As the pixels accume
That this Stones bloke isn’t really a virus?”
Incidentally, Nigel, I thought your one about the revenge of the buildings was rather clever.
I’ll take all your praise and seek more
I’m somewhat a literary whore
But I’m not virilogically
Merely pathologically
Writing inviting anthological Daikaiju score
Now that my welcome I’ve stretched
I’ll leave, as in my excess I am wretched
If you desire I go on
Nigel(dot)stones(at)gmail(dot)com
Is the place from which I’ll be fetched
There once was a giant crustacean
Who moaned in extreme frustration
See Gojira and Kong
Have fan-clubs so strong
Yet a mega-crab feels no such elation.
Nice one, Tony!
And Nigel, all you’ve stretched is our credibility. Thanks for your contribution. I’m sure Hollywood will be knocking on your door when they decide to make “Godzilla vs Talos: the Musical” — in limerick form, of course…
Thanks for having me. I know I went a little too far, but this limerick stuff is soooo addictive. I’m working on a Powerpoint presentation at the moment on travel cost saving opportunities and it’s taking every ounce of self control (okay, *the* ounce) that I’ve got to resist doing it in limerick form.
I’m even having a hard time writing this post without rhyme. 😉
Nigel
A pus-ball visited the other day.
And good omens seemed just not boded.
It asked me for money.
I said, “Get lost Honey.”
And that was when it exploded.
Yuck! Tony! What have you been doing with yourself lately?
There once was a monster called Godzilla,
Who wanted to act in the Thrillers,
But the Hollywood spies,
Brought tears to his eyes,
By pairing him up with Phyllis Diller
Cute. Hi, Edwina. Did you ever hear of the film “The Boneyard”? It was a zombie flick — and Phyllis Diller starred in it. Her poodle ended up being turned into an elephant-sized zombie dog-monster! I kid you not.
I can see why everyone else is having trouble stopping at one!
You’ve inspired me to two too (or is that six?)
While supping one night on my noodle,
I encountered a zombie monster-sized poodle,
Haul Phyllis Diller down a lane,
But I find they’re easy to train,
If you reward them with brain-flavoured struedel!.
A giant reptillian fang
Hit the server with a great clang
While typist were tacking
and hackers were hacking
The net came down with a bang
I was on the verge of calling it quits on the Limerick Contest through lack of anything new when your contribution turned up, Tim. An unusual one, too! Now I think I’ll let the contest run a bit longer, just in case of other stragglers.
The fifty foot woman was keen
And I wanted to make with that scene
But I didn’t go near
The fifty foot woman was keen
And I wanted to make with that scene
But I didn’t go near
Because Rob’s made it clear
He’ll remove anything that’s obscene
I have no idea why the internet keeps putting my stuff up twice
I am DejaVUMAN!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, Lee. I considered deleting the first one (which was incomplete), but decided to leave it in the end so the joke in your third post would make sense!
I like the idea of a superhero called DejaVuMan. He gets very weary as he always has to defeat the villains twice… in exactly the same way.
“Hang on! Didn’t I save the world from being eaten by a giant space turtle yesterday?”
A young ornithologist, Ken,
had nightmares again and again
of a fifty-foot, hairy,
sweaty canary
saying, “Now who’s a pretty boy then?”
A monster which landed from Venus
obligingly proffered the Queen his
large tentacle, and,
when she shook on his ‘hand’
he said, “Thank you for shaking my penis.”
Oh dear! That last one was a bit borderline, Chompy. But as it’s definitely in the spirit of the Naughty School of Limerick Writing, I’ll let it through with an R rating.
OK. then, a tamer one, but borderline monster –
Our history teacher, Miss Borus,
while interpreting dinosaurs for us,
sat down and got some
bone up her bum
– but thanked God not a Megalosaurus.
Tamer? I’m not too sure about that. Still quite suggestively Naughty. Another R rating, I’m afraid.