There once was a monster named….

    There once was a monster named Rumsmag
    Who was known as an evil yet glum dag.
    He would wear waist-high pants
    And keep people like ants
    On the muck in the back of his bumbag.

To celebrate the imminent appearance on of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters (edited by Robert Hood and Robin Pen and published by Agog! Press), I’ve decided to run a Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition.

Simply write the best and/or most ridiculous limerick about a giant monster that you can and post it as a comment to this Undead Backbrain blogpost.


A copy of the exclusive limited-run edition of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters will be awarded to the two best limericks. For the uninitiated, here is the cover:

Daikaiju! 2 cover

and you can find out more about the anthology here.

Rules and Conditions

  • Any limerick entered in the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition must conform to the rules of the limerick sub-genre, as interpreted by the Undead Backbrain.
  • The limerick must feature a giant monster of some kind. Decisions as to exactly how big a monster must be in order to be considered a giant monster will be left to the discretion of the Backbrain.
  • If a limerick is judged by the Backbrain to be too obscene, it shall be deleted at his discretion.
  • Multiple entries are acceptable.
  • The Backbrain’s decision on all matters shall be final and very little correspondence shall be entered into…. etc.
  • The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition shall end when the Backbrain has had enough of it.
  • The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition is open to anyone worldwide, of any age, nationality, religious persuasion or species — though if the best entries are by myself (unlikely, given the above example), Robin Pen or Cat Sparks, such entries won’t be awarded the prize, which will be made available to the Next Best Entry.
  • It would be helpful if all entries were in English. more or less.
  • The Backbrain reserves the right to put any of the limericks in a gallery on his website, along with the names or nom de plumes of the authors of said limericks, though of course the authors otherwise retain their own copyright and can do with their limericks whatever they want.
  • In case of dispute, the final Arbitrator shall be Pazuzu the Cat.
  • That’s it! I can’t think of any more rules. I hereby declare the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition open.

    Please feel free to tell everyone you know about it.

    And have fun!

    This entry was posted in Books, Competition, Daikaiju. Bookmark the permalink.

    106 Responses to There once was a monster named….

    1. The lure of King Kong is appealing,
      We share an incredible feeling,
      He broke down my door,
      Drove my bed through the floor,
      And left hair all over the ceiling.

    2. King Kong left a great hairy mound,
      When he tumbled and fell to the ground,
      It took some good shootin’
      To prove ala Newton
      He’s aerodynamically sound.

    3. Sure, it did take a couple of calls,
      From on high, the dread Mothra he falls,
      But with courage and pluck,
      I unloaded the truck,
      Did that moth see the size of my balls?

    4. Backbrain says:

      Bureaucracon’s the largest of all,
      Covering the world in a pall
      Of rules and red tape —
      It’s like a cruel jape,
      From which there’s no ‘scaping at all.

      Yes, I have a meeting I have to go to….

    5. Tony Plank says:

      When the Cyclops came callin’
      I thought it appallin’.
      And found a dark place to hide.
      It sat on some logs and ate all my hogs.
      Then of swine fever quietly died.

    6. Kris Hembury says:

      Salivating with blood,
      The Serpent slithered through mud,
      It’s prey made a dash,
      But the serpent had cash,
      So it went to a third world country and bought a child, which, although makes no sense and ruins what could have been a reasonable limerick, and is kind of copying Tony’s idea, still has had me laughing since first conception.
      And something about Kevin Rudd.

    7. I’ve endured all forms of radiation
      To tweak the bounds of my creation
      Gamma or atomic
      Real life is no comic
      The end result’s merely frustration

    8. In the circus I had a great calling
      Cleaning up what from elephants kept falling
      Next time Godzilla walks by
      You will know who am I
      I’m the guy with the broom, sitting, bawling

    9. Backbrain says:

      Hi, Lee. Good to hear from you. We needed a contributor to “Daikaiju! 3: Giant Monsters Versus the World” on board (apart from me, that is), so I could mention the book!

      So I just did.

    10. Backbrain says:

      I should mention that contributors to the other “Daikaiju!” anthologies are here already — such as Tony Plank. Hi, Tony! And Mark Rainey, Martin Livings, Sean…

    11. There once was a beast named Zoth-Ommog
      Who rose from the Deeps for a quick jog;
      With delight his maw quivered,
      His tentacles shivered
      As he trampled through forest and peat-bog.

    12. There once was a giant gorilla
      Loved a girl that was pretty damn thriller
      She screamed and she screamed
      Till the monkey near creamed
      Said the girl: “Think I’ll go with Magilla!”

      Now was that too rude?!

    13. There once was Giant Behemoth
      Spoke kinda old-fashioned, it seemeth.
      It ran wild on the loose
      And squashed a caboose
      And the rivers with bloody gore teemeth.

      Ok, whad else are ya gonna rhyme with Behemoth, I ask ya?

    14. Nigel Stones says:

      Of my twelve story hen she took stock
      As it chook-scratched a Tokyo dock
      But less than impressed
      Atsuko only undressed
      When I showed her the size of my cock 😉

    15. Nigel Stones says:

      If a Kraken you should happen to see, when
      You’re sailing out on the high sea, then
      Go for a dip
      If he takes hold of your ship
      And tries to suck out all of the seamen 😮

    16. Nigel Stones says:

      If all of my monsters sound dirty
      Despite being seven foot thirty
      It’s cos I mistook monster-philic
      with.. um… monster phallic
      And ended up flirty with QWERTY

    17. Nigel Stones says:

      An enormous animate phallus
      Threatened the centre of Dallas
      A heroic band
      Got things in hand
      But the experience made them quite callous

    18. Ian Mackereth says:

      From the undersea empire of Mu
      came a dragon-god daikaiju who
      would have seemed somewhat grander
      if its name wasn’t Manda
      that’s as scary as Rob shouting Boo!

    19. Ian Mackereth says:

      Not just one, but often a band
      it’s Legion, who’s rampaging and
      destroying Sapporo
      today and tomoro,
      not bad for a thing made of sand!

    20. Ian Mackereth says:

      There was a young lady of Niger
      Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
      They returned from the ride
      With those two inside,
      the insatiable belly of Jiger.

    21. Backbrain says:

      Whoa! A rash of new limericks came in overnight — along with the inevitable salacious puns. I apologise to those readers of a more refined disposition — though chances are they’re not reading this anyway!

      And another “Daikaiju! 3” anthology contributor. Hi, Leigh!

    22. Nigel Stones says:

      Homoerotic monster tales are quite silly
      Especially about a giant willy
      But to post them at will
      Gives me such a thrill
      That there’s daikaiju on the lily

    23. Nigel Stones says:

      George Dubbleya started to grizzle
      When his dog ate a nukular missile
      So big grew his pet
      It was a terrierist threat
      When it cocked it’s leg and pissed fissile

    24. Nigel Stones says:

      The argonauts long before Tokyo
      Encountered bronzed statuesque Talos you know
      There was no rubber suit
      Just a plug in his boot
      And their lip-synch I’m told was just so

      Of his strength Hercules was so jealous
      But a bit of a heel was this Talos
      He chased them around
      Stomped some crew ‘gainst the ground
      In a monsterous expression of Malice

      Now monsters aren’t all as invunerable as they seem
      So Jason started to scheme
      He soon pulled the plug
      On this huge metal thug
      And the two were soon letting off steam

      If you think this is not daikiju
      ‘Cos the monster’s not from ’round Honshu
      Then broaden your mind
      You of monsterist kind
      And say maressi to Nessie too

    25. Backbrain says:

      Nigel, are you a DaikaijuLimerick bot by any chance?

    26. Nigel Stones says:

      Godzilla was minding his young
      When a skyscraper eclipsed the sun
      Urbanly it sprawled
      T’wards his nest towering tall
      The buildings’ revenge had begun

    27. Nigel Stones says:

      A DaikaijuLimerick bot I am not
      Though in your guessing you’re getting quite hot
      I find it quite gay
      To converse this way
      So if this rot hits the spot then why not?

    28. Backbrain says:

      “Why not indeed!” said the Backbrain, desirous
      That in overkill the limericks don’t mire us.
      “But can I assume
      As the pixels accume
      That this Stones bloke isn’t really a virus?”

    29. Backbrain says:

      Incidentally, Nigel, I thought your one about the revenge of the buildings was rather clever.

    30. Nigel Stones says:

      I’ll take all your praise and seek more
      I’m somewhat a literary whore
      But I’m not virilogically
      Merely pathologically
      Writing inviting anthological Daikaiju score

    31. Nigel Stones says:

      Now that my welcome I’ve stretched
      I’ll leave, as in my excess I am wretched
      If you desire I go on
      Is the place from which I’ll be fetched

    32. Tony Owens says:

      There once was a giant crustacean
      Who moaned in extreme frustration
      See Gojira and Kong
      Have fan-clubs so strong
      Yet a mega-crab feels no such elation.

    33. Backbrain says:

      Nice one, Tony!

      And Nigel, all you’ve stretched is our credibility. Thanks for your contribution. I’m sure Hollywood will be knocking on your door when they decide to make “Godzilla vs Talos: the Musical” — in limerick form, of course…

    34. Nigel Stones says:

      Thanks for having me. I know I went a little too far, but this limerick stuff is soooo addictive. I’m working on a Powerpoint presentation at the moment on travel cost saving opportunities and it’s taking every ounce of self control (okay, *the* ounce) that I’ve got to resist doing it in limerick form.

      I’m even having a hard time writing this post without rhyme. 😉

    35. Tony Plank says:

      A pus-ball visited the other day.
      And good omens seemed just not boded.
      It asked me for money.
      I said, “Get lost Honey.”
      And that was when it exploded.

    36. Backbrain says:

      Yuck! Tony! What have you been doing with yourself lately?

    37. There once was a monster called Godzilla,
      Who wanted to act in the Thrillers,
      But the Hollywood spies,
      Brought tears to his eyes,
      By pairing him up with Phyllis Diller

    38. Backbrain says:

      Cute. Hi, Edwina. Did you ever hear of the film “The Boneyard”? It was a zombie flick — and Phyllis Diller starred in it. Her poodle ended up being turned into an elephant-sized zombie dog-monster! I kid you not.

    39. I can see why everyone else is having trouble stopping at one!
      You’ve inspired me to two too (or is that six?)

      While supping one night on my noodle,
      I encountered a zombie monster-sized poodle,
      Haul Phyllis Diller down a lane,
      But I find they’re easy to train,
      If you reward them with brain-flavoured struedel!.

    40. Tim Marsh says:

      A giant reptillian fang
      Hit the server with a great clang
      While typist were tacking
      and hackers were hacking
      The net came down with a bang

    41. Backbrain says:

      I was on the verge of calling it quits on the Limerick Contest through lack of anything new when your contribution turned up, Tim. An unusual one, too! Now I think I’ll let the contest run a bit longer, just in case of other stragglers.

    42. The fifty foot woman was keen
      And I wanted to make with that scene
      But I didn’t go near

    43. The fifty foot woman was keen
      And I wanted to make with that scene
      But I didn’t go near
      Because Rob’s made it clear
      He’ll remove anything that’s obscene

    44. I have no idea why the internet keeps putting my stuff up twice

      I am DejaVUMAN!!!!!!!!!!

    45. Backbrain says:

      Hi, Lee. I considered deleting the first one (which was incomplete), but decided to leave it in the end so the joke in your third post would make sense!

      I like the idea of a superhero called DejaVuMan. He gets very weary as he always has to defeat the villains twice… in exactly the same way.

      “Hang on! Didn’t I save the world from being eaten by a giant space turtle yesterday?”

    46. Chompy says:

      A young ornithologist, Ken,
      had nightmares again and again
      of a fifty-foot, hairy,
      sweaty canary
      saying, “Now who’s a pretty boy then?”

    47. Chompy says:

      A monster which landed from Venus
      obligingly proffered the Queen his
      large tentacle, and,
      when she shook on his ‘hand’
      he said, “Thank you for shaking my penis.”

    48. Backbrain says:

      Oh dear! That last one was a bit borderline, Chompy. But as it’s definitely in the spirit of the Naughty School of Limerick Writing, I’ll let it through with an R rating.

    49. Chompy says:

      OK. then, a tamer one, but borderline monster –

      Our history teacher, Miss Borus,
      while interpreting dinosaurs for us,
      sat down and got some
      bone up her bum
      – but thanked God not a Megalosaurus.

    50. Backbrain says:

      Tamer? I’m not too sure about that. Still quite suggestively Naughty. Another R rating, I’m afraid.

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