There once was a monster named….

    There once was a monster named Rumsmag
    Who was known as an evil yet glum dag.
    He would wear waist-high pants
    And keep people like ants
    On the muck in the back of his bumbag.

To celebrate the imminent appearance on Amazon.com of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters (edited by Robert Hood and Robin Pen and published by Agog! Press), I’ve decided to run a Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition.

Simply write the best and/or most ridiculous limerick about a giant monster that you can and post it as a comment to this Undead Backbrain blogpost.

Prize

A copy of the exclusive limited-run edition of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters will be awarded to the two best limericks. For the uninitiated, here is the cover:

Daikaiju! 2 cover

and you can find out more about the anthology here.

Rules and Conditions

  • Any limerick entered in the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition must conform to the rules of the limerick sub-genre, as interpreted by the Undead Backbrain.
  • The limerick must feature a giant monster of some kind. Decisions as to exactly how big a monster must be in order to be considered a giant monster will be left to the discretion of the Backbrain.
  • If a limerick is judged by the Backbrain to be too obscene, it shall be deleted at his discretion.
  • Multiple entries are acceptable.
  • The Backbrain’s decision on all matters shall be final and very little correspondence shall be entered into…. etc.
  • The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition shall end when the Backbrain has had enough of it.
  • The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition is open to anyone worldwide, of any age, nationality, religious persuasion or species — though if the best entries are by myself (unlikely, given the above example), Robin Pen or Cat Sparks, such entries won’t be awarded the prize, which will be made available to the Next Best Entry.
  • It would be helpful if all entries were in English. more or less.
  • The Backbrain reserves the right to put any of the limericks in a gallery on his website, along with the names or nom de plumes of the authors of said limericks, though of course the authors otherwise retain their own copyright and can do with their limericks whatever they want.
  • In case of dispute, the final Arbitrator shall be Pazuzu the Cat.
  • That’s it! I can’t think of any more rules. I hereby declare the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition open.

    Please feel free to tell everyone you know about it.

    And have fun!

    This entry was posted in Books, Competition, Daikaiju. Bookmark the permalink.

    106 Responses to There once was a monster named….

    1. There was a squid, big as Nantucket…

      No, wait…

      When interviewing Biolante,
      He started to get a bit ranty.
      What he said made me shiver;
      “I ate Rodan’s liver,
      With beans, and a pleasant chianti.”

    2. Joan Small says:

      There is a gross monster called Fred
      Red-eyed and with grunge on his head.
      Though his teeth are all broken
      He is awfully well spoken
      Says ‘Sorry’ before you are dead.

    3. Mark Rainey says:

      Did you hear the latest ’bout Rodan?
      He went down to the Monsterland Hoedown.
      He got drunk at a fountain
      That was spewin’ Blue Mountain
      And he smushed the Abominable Snowman.

    4. seanwilliams says:

      On holidays in Tokya with Tamara
      he cried, “Quick, honey, hand me the camera!”
      “I didn’t bring it,” she said.
      “It’s on the shelf by the bed.”
      And then they were both squashed by Gamera.

    5. seanwilliams says:

      She cried, “Look out there. I see Mothra!”
      From the bed he sighed, “I can be bothred.
      With monsters gargantuan,
      from King Ghidorah to Rodan,
      this city is perpetually smothred.”

    6. Backbrain says:

      Funny, Sean! That one’s very much in the spirit of Ogden Nash.

    7. seanwilliams says:

      A morbid young tourist desirous
      of seeing the monster Anguirus,
      was asked on the bus,
      “Why all the fuss?
      He’s not nearly as bad as a virus.”

    8. seanwilliams says:

      Tell me when to stop… 🙂

    9. Alicia Smith says:

      Alien masterminds had a big bad plan
      To revamp King Ghidorah — what a madman!
      Earth said we don’t need a Hero
      ‘Cause that monster’s a Zero!
      And they pounded him into the macadam!

    10. Backbrain says:

      Haven’t you got some important work to do, Sean? 🙂

    11. seanwilliams says:

      What could be more important than this? Especially as I never got around to doing any more daikaiju haiku for you…

    12. Alicia Smith says:

      A big dinosaur bathed every nation
      In righteous and indignant radiation
      He destroys Tokyo Tower
      And a city each hour
      And his name would be a copyright violation

    13. Tony Plank says:

      There once lived a massive aardvark.
      With habits considered not apt.
      In a church near the park.
      As each evening grew dark.
      He crept into the crypt… and crapped.

    14. Backbrain says:

      Ah, Alicia, I see we have a potential rival for Sean’s trilogising.

    15. Kate Eltham says:

      I can’t get a date with Gojira!
      He’s seeing a Goth grrl called Vera.
      Her pop culture cred
      Means she’s light years ahead
      Guess I’ll settle instead for Chimera.

    16. Backbrain says:

      A compulsive daikaiju named Williams
      Wrote novels and poems by the millions.
      “Though I’m tall as can be
      It is true I can see
      To forever if I stand on my scribblillions.”

    17. Alicia Smith says:

      Oh gods! Do you want a third?

    18. seanwilliams says:

      “Scriblillions”? Ha ha ha! I love it.

      And I love being a daikaiju too. At last!

    19. Alicia Smith says:

      My Linux program was running really badly
      Things were crashing and sparking quite sadly
      I tried to install Fedora
      I thought they meant *Ghidora*!
      I flee the computer room right gladly!

    20. Backbrain says:

      Alicia, it’s up to you if you want to complete the trilogy. How competitive do you feel? 🙂

      Oops! By the time I’d sent this, you’d posted your third! Well done!

    21. seanwilliams says:

      There was a young man from Skull Island–
      specifically, up in the highlands–
      who went to New York
      underestimating, the dork,
      the power of the pituitary gland.”

      OR

      overestimating, the dork,
      the power of the daikaiju brand.”

    22. Backbrain says:

      Ha! Alternative endings now!

    23. Simon Haynes says:

      There was a big ape in the jungle
      Whose tum was starting to rumble
      He went into town,
      Had a chow down,
      and buried the borough with dungballs.

    24. There once was a kraken named Shirley
      Some people said she was surly
      But that’s not quite true
      There’s ship-sinking to do,
      And she had to get up rather early.

    25. Alicia Smith says:

      Sean Williams wrote up a storm
      Monsters great, ferocious and forlorn
      He gazed into the abyss
      And it gave him a kiss
      He demolished Tokyo yesterday morn

    26. Backbrain says:

      Sean being kissed by the abyss? Now there’s an image. Was it a good kisser, Sean?

    27. A giant moth-monkey named Mabel
      Crushed the house and the loo and the stable
      My family survived,
      And the dog is alive,
      Because we hid under the table.

    28. “All our names sound the same,” declared Baragon.
      “What nonsense, you moron,” scoffed Megalon.
      “No, he’s right,” said King Ghidorah,
      playing pool with Desghidorah,
      “That’s a crock!” yelled their good friend, Mechani-Kong.

    29. The Lizard-Lord slobbers and howls
      And jammed the whole bus in his jowls
      I’ve got a packed lunch
      And I’ve got a hunch
      That we can get out through his bowels.

    30. Backbrain says:

      Woohoo! Another trilogy, Jason. And I sense one on the horizon from Martin as well!

    31. Alicia Smith says:

      When attacked by a Giant Space Duck
      Okinawa’s options look like they suck
      They called out the National Guard
      Who were then emotionally scarred
      If you wanted a rude ending then you’re all out of luck.

    32. Backbrain says:

      Alicia, I think everyone supplied their own rude ending…

    33. seanwilliams says:

      There was a young kaiju from Kent
      who had a tail so long that it bent
      relentlessly double
      and caused lots of trouble.
      In Kyoto it put quite a dent.

    34. Alicia Smith says:

      Backbrain, so needlessly harsh on our good, fine, pureminded friends, so blameless as the pure, driven snow, so…

      Yeah, you’re right.

    35. seanwilliams says:

      From Nagano, Narita, Nagoya,
      Kofu, Kure and Kamazawa
      the daikaiju cry
      in roars low and high
      “Rob Hood is the man. Hurrah!”

      And thus I am officially spent (cries of relief all round, I think :-)). This has been fun. Thanks, Rob!

    36. Backbrain says:

      Thank YOU, Sean. And everyone who’s contributed so far. Lots of great stuff! And this isn’t even a day from the time I put it up!

    37. Alicia Smith says:

      It’s because evil catsparx posted a link to it on her LJ. You’ll get *all* sorts of riff raff wandering in.

    38. seanwilliams says:

      I can see a whole *book* of daikaiju limericks in the works, if you’re not careful…

    39. Jess Nevins says:

      I blame Bowie for what happened to Gamera.
      Makeup? Glitter? A name change to “Glamera”?
      I could handle the androgyny
      And the glam kaiju progeny
      But I won’t listen to “Mott the Ghidorah.”

    40. T.Reed says:

      There once was a King named Godzilla.
      In Japan he was known as a killa.
      He stomped Raymond Burr
      and tore out the fur
      of a cross eyed and giant gorilla.

    41. T.Reed says:

      There once was a King named Kong
      had it bad for some chick in a thong
      He got messed up on dope
      And was carried by rope
      To New York where he now sings this song

    42. Backbrain says:

      Ha! Now you’ll have to write the song, TAOX.

    43. T.Reed says:

      Ghidrah the Three headed Beast
      Was last seen flying out of the East
      With his rampaging trill
      Monster Zero could kill
      He should have his own franchise at least.

    44. T.Reed says:

      Trilogys looked in vogue so I went with mine;)

      TAOX

    45. T.Reed says:

      Ha;) what an image….Kong in a Top hat singin “New York New York”!
      Well, you know what they say: If he can make it there…
      😉
      TAOX

    46. Backbrain says:

      It’s appropriate that trilogies became the rage, eh? And yours didn’t disappoint, TAOX.

    47. T.Reed says:

      Wait one more here;)

      There once was a King named Kong
      who was huge and incredibly strong.
      He never wore pants
      you could tell with a glance
      What you thought would come next is just WRONG;)

    48. Backbrain says:

      Oh dear. Another one tempting the mental purity of my readers!

    49. seanwilliams says:

      (Gah. The lure of daikaiju is too strong!)

      Bigger is better, they say.
      But that doesn’t apply in the hay.
      Godzilla has found
      that problems abound
      finding suitably sized, um, duvets.

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