There once was a monster named….
There once was a monster named Rumsmag
Who was known as an evil yet glum dag.
He would wear waist-high pants
And keep people like ants
On the muck in the back of his bumbag.
To celebrate the imminent appearance on Amazon.com of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters (edited by Robert Hood and Robin Pen and published by Agog! Press), I’ve decided to run a Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition.
Simply write the best and/or most ridiculous limerick about a giant monster that you can and post it as a comment to this Undead Backbrain blogpost.
A copy of the exclusive limited-run edition of Daikaiju! 2: Revenge of the Giant Monsters will be awarded to the two best limericks. For the uninitiated, here is the cover:
and you can find out more about the anthology here
Rules and Conditions
Any limerick entered in the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition must conform to the rules of the limerick sub-genre, as interpreted by the Undead Backbrain.
The limerick must feature a giant monster of some kind. Decisions as to exactly how big a monster must be in order to be considered a giant monster will be left to the discretion of the Backbrain.
If a limerick is judged by the Backbrain to be too obscene, it shall be deleted at his discretion.
Multiple entries are acceptable.
The Backbrain’s decision on all matters shall be final and very little correspondence shall be entered into…. etc.
The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition shall end when the Backbrain has had enough of it.
The Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition is open to anyone worldwide, of any age, nationality, religious persuasion or species — though if the best entries are by myself (unlikely, given the above example), Robin Pen or Cat Sparks, such entries won’t be awarded the prize, which will be made available to the Next Best Entry.
It would be helpful if all entries were in English. more or less.
The Backbrain reserves the right to put any of the limericks in a gallery on his website, along with the names or nom de plumes of the authors of said limericks, though of course the authors otherwise retain their own copyright and can do with their limericks whatever they want.
In case of dispute, the final Arbitrator shall be Pazuzu the Cat.
That’s it! I can’t think of any more rules. I hereby declare the Giant Monstrous Limerick Competition open.
Please feel free to tell everyone you know about it.
And have fun!
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There was a squid, big as Nantucket…
When interviewing Biolante,
He started to get a bit ranty.
What he said made me shiver;
“I ate Rodan’s liver,
With beans, and a pleasant chianti.”
There is a gross monster called Fred
Red-eyed and with grunge on his head.
Though his teeth are all broken
He is awfully well spoken
Says ‘Sorry’ before you are dead.
Did you hear the latest ’bout Rodan?
He went down to the Monsterland Hoedown.
He got drunk at a fountain
That was spewin’ Blue Mountain
And he smushed the Abominable Snowman.
On holidays in Tokya with Tamara
he cried, “Quick, honey, hand me the camera!”
“I didn’t bring it,” she said.
“It’s on the shelf by the bed.”
And then they were both squashed by Gamera.
She cried, “Look out there. I see Mothra!”
From the bed he sighed, “I can be bothred.
With monsters gargantuan,
from King Ghidorah to Rodan,
this city is perpetually smothred.”
Funny, Sean! That one’s very much in the spirit of Ogden Nash.
A morbid young tourist desirous
of seeing the monster Anguirus,
was asked on the bus,
“Why all the fuss?
He’s not nearly as bad as a virus.”
Tell me when to stop… 🙂
Alien masterminds had a big bad plan
To revamp King Ghidorah — what a madman!
Earth said we don’t need a Hero
‘Cause that monster’s a Zero!
And they pounded him into the macadam!
Haven’t you got some important work to do, Sean? 🙂
What could be more important than this? Especially as I never got around to doing any more daikaiju haiku for you…
A big dinosaur bathed every nation
In righteous and indignant radiation
He destroys Tokyo Tower
And a city each hour
And his name would be a copyright violation
There once lived a massive aardvark.
With habits considered not apt.
In a church near the park.
As each evening grew dark.
He crept into the crypt… and crapped.
Ah, Alicia, I see we have a potential rival for Sean’s trilogising.
I can’t get a date with Gojira!
He’s seeing a Goth grrl called Vera.
Her pop culture cred
Means she’s light years ahead
Guess I’ll settle instead for Chimera.
A compulsive daikaiju named Williams
Wrote novels and poems by the millions.
“Though I’m tall as can be
It is true I can see
To forever if I stand on my scribblillions.”
Oh gods! Do you want a third?
“Scriblillions”? Ha ha ha! I love it.
And I love being a daikaiju too. At last!
My Linux program was running really badly
Things were crashing and sparking quite sadly
I tried to install Fedora
I thought they meant *Ghidora*!
I flee the computer room right gladly!
Alicia, it’s up to you if you want to complete the trilogy. How competitive do you feel? 🙂
Oops! By the time I’d sent this, you’d posted your third! Well done!
Don’t encourage me!
There was a young man from Skull Island–
specifically, up in the highlands–
who went to New York
underestimating, the dork,
the power of the pituitary gland.”
overestimating, the dork,
the power of the daikaiju brand.”
Ha! Alternative endings now!
There was a big ape in the jungle
Whose tum was starting to rumble
He went into town,
Had a chow down,
and buried the borough with dungballs.
There once was a kraken named Shirley
Some people said she was surly
But that’s not quite true
There’s ship-sinking to do,
And she had to get up rather early.
Sean Williams wrote up a storm
Monsters great, ferocious and forlorn
He gazed into the abyss
And it gave him a kiss
He demolished Tokyo yesterday morn
Sean being kissed by the abyss? Now there’s an image. Was it a good kisser, Sean?
A giant moth-monkey named Mabel
Crushed the house and the loo and the stable
My family survived,
And the dog is alive,
Because we hid under the table.
“All our names sound the same,” declared Baragon.
“What nonsense, you moron,” scoffed Megalon.
“No, he’s right,” said King Ghidorah,
playing pool with Desghidorah,
“That’s a crock!” yelled their good friend, Mechani-Kong.
The Lizard-Lord slobbers and howls
And jammed the whole bus in his jowls
I’ve got a packed lunch
And I’ve got a hunch
That we can get out through his bowels.
Woohoo! Another trilogy, Jason. And I sense one on the horizon from Martin as well!
When attacked by a Giant Space Duck
Okinawa’s options look like they suck
They called out the National Guard
Who were then emotionally scarred
If you wanted a rude ending then you’re all out of luck.
Alicia, I think everyone supplied their own rude ending…
There was a young kaiju from Kent
who had a tail so long that it bent
and caused lots of trouble.
In Kyoto it put quite a dent.
Backbrain, so needlessly harsh on our good, fine, pureminded friends, so blameless as the pure, driven snow, so…
Yeah, you’re right.
From Nagano, Narita, Nagoya,
Kofu, Kure and Kamazawa
the daikaiju cry
in roars low and high
“Rob Hood is the man. Hurrah!”
And thus I am officially spent (cries of relief all round, I think :-)). This has been fun. Thanks, Rob!
Thank YOU, Sean. And everyone who’s contributed so far. Lots of great stuff! And this isn’t even a day from the time I put it up!
It’s because evil catsparx posted a link to it on her LJ. You’ll get *all* sorts of riff raff wandering in.
I can see a whole *book* of daikaiju limericks in the works, if you’re not careful…
I blame Bowie for what happened to Gamera.
Makeup? Glitter? A name change to “Glamera”?
I could handle the androgyny
And the glam kaiju progeny
But I won’t listen to “Mott the Ghidorah.”
There once was a King named Godzilla.
In Japan he was known as a killa.
He stomped Raymond Burr
and tore out the fur
of a cross eyed and giant gorilla.
There once was a King named Kong
had it bad for some chick in a thong
He got messed up on dope
And was carried by rope
To New York where he now sings this song
Ha! Now you’ll have to write the song, TAOX.
Ghidrah the Three headed Beast
Was last seen flying out of the East
With his rampaging trill
Monster Zero could kill
He should have his own franchise at least.
Trilogys looked in vogue so I went with mine;)
Ha;) what an image….Kong in a Top hat singin “New York New York”!
Well, you know what they say: If he can make it there…
It’s appropriate that trilogies became the rage, eh? And yours didn’t disappoint, TAOX.
Wait one more here;)
There once was a King named Kong
who was huge and incredibly strong.
He never wore pants
you could tell with a glance
What you thought would come next is just WRONG;)
Oh dear. Another one tempting the mental purity of my readers!
(Gah. The lure of daikaiju is too strong!)
Bigger is better, they say.
But that doesn’t apply in the hay.
Godzilla has found
that problems abound
finding suitably sized, um, duvets.