Old Ones Open New Business

The Great Old Ones have decided that all that lurking in dark dank places, waiting for the Call that will bring them shambling into our world in order to re-claim it, isn’t getting them anywhere, so they’ve decide to go legit. They’ve opened up a babysitting service called the Chthonian Creche.

Cthuhu and child

Some scepticism about their motives has been expressed by the Lovecraftian Society of Arkham but spokesdemon Yog-Sothoth has denied the claim that they are merely intending to subvert the next generation of humans by “educating” them at an early age. “I love children,” he said. “We all love children. Bugg-Shash frequently takes a picnic-basket of them on rambles in the bush, Ythogtha, the Thing in the Pit, likes nothing better than to play peek-a-boo and Nyogtha has run guided tours of the nether depths for centuries. He loves showing kiddies the ropes.”

But do the Great Old Ones have the expertise to take care of young humans.

“Are you kidding?” Yog-Sothoth exclaimed. “Dagon will hold swimming classes, Ithaqua will show them how to walk on the wind, Yibb-Tstll, the Watcher in the Glade, will teach them patience, and Cthugha, the Burning One, will introduce the delicious little darlings to fire safety. Ammutseba, Devourer of Stars, will be in charge of the catering, Arwassa will take care of any wailing that is deemed necessary, and Cthulhu… well, he’ll handle Sleepytime — he’s good with kids [see picture above of the Master of R’lyeh cuddling a little one]. Gol-goroth will do something or other, but I’ve forgotten what.”

Apparently Zvilpogghua, otherwise known as Ossadagowah, will be taking elocution classes, teaching the kids how to pronounce difficult names, and Othuyeg, the Doom Walker, will be organising nature hikes.

“There’s a lot of us,” Yog-Sothoth added, “so everyone will be able to bring something to the feast.”

Source of picture: Dark Roasted Blend. Go have a look and check out some other pretty scary playgrounds while you’re at it.

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2 Responses to Old Ones Open New Business

  1. J.H.M. says:

    Well, you could put Gol-Goroth in charge of all necessary discipline, with Ghatanothoa teaching visual arts and Daoloth astronomy. Zstylzhemgni and Hzioulquoigmnzhah shall double duty in spelling, whilst Cynothoglys works as on-staff nurse (he’s very… handy).

  2. Backbrain says:

    And think how much money Abdul Alhazred will make in royalties once his book is made key text in the curriculum!

    Incidentally, J.H.M., if you’re into Lovecraftian pastiche check out my story “The Call of Cthulhu’s Mum”, which you can find online here.

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